I Am The Very Model of an Antiquated General

Here is my epitaph for Curzon. Inspired by the title of the Times review from 1936, I rewrote the words to the wonderful tune "I am The Very Model of a Modern Major General" by G & S. I think this version better captures Curzon. Here is the link to the real lyrics.

I am the very model of an antiquated General
Tho’ I’ve information vegetable, animal, and mineral
I’ve never met his highness, but I know the fights historical
From Volksgate down to Ypr-es, in the order paradoxical

I’m very well acquainted, too, with matters veterinarian
I understand those ponies, and their diets vegetarian
About the proper bridal, I am teeming with a lot of news
(with many cheerful facts about the proper way to pick their shoes)rep 3

I’m very good at knowing all the differ-ences titular
I know the proper duties of a Gener-al Staff Officer
(But short in matters reasonable, tactical and practical
I am the very model of an antiquated General.) rep


I know the Stoic histor-y, from Horace to Aurelius
Tho’ in quotidian uses they can be a bit cantankerous
I quote the many Latin texts, particularly Regulus
Tho’ I’ll be damned if I can know just what those Romans want from us

I can tell undoubtedly a mammal from a mammary
Tho’ the duties of a husband do confound me more than husbandry
In matters of the cavl’ry, there is nil I have not seen before
(While in between the sheets, I have not yet secured a descent score) rep 3

Then, I will relay to one and all the details of my lineage
As long as no one asks to meet the vestige of my parentage
(But short in maters, reasonable, tactical and practical,
I am the very model of an antiquated General. ) rep

In fact, when I know what is meant by "suffering" and "empathy"
When I can tell at sight a trifling trauma from a tragedy
When such affairs as slaughters and demises I'm more wary at
And when I know precisely what is meant by "more compassionate"

When I have learnt what progress has been made in modern gunnery
When I know more of trenches than a novice in a nunnery
In short, when I've a smattering of un-Edwarj’in strategy
(You'll say, by gum, a better General has never sat a gee)rep 3

For my military knowledge, though I'm plucky and adventury
Has only been brought down to the beginning of the century
For still, in matters reasonable, tactical, and practical
I am the very model of an antiquated General.